Be Yourself, But Work Hard: Resolving the Paradox in How We Raise Our Children

What to say when your child asks "If I'm fine just as I am, why do I need to try so hard?"

Photo by Ann H: https://www.pexels.com/photo/wooden-letters-on-a-table-20875708/

Dear Substack readers,

Have you ever found yourself in that awkward parental moment when your child looks up at you with genuine confusion and asks: "If you say I'm perfect just as I am, why do I also need to work hard and change?"

That moment of silence that follows isn't just you – parents everywhere struggle with this apparent contradiction. We want our children to embrace who they are, while simultaneously pushing them to strive for more. Today, I want to explore this beautiful paradox with you.

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Note: As a native Japanese thinker writing in English, I use AI tools to help bridge cultural and linguistic gaps - similar to how a musician might use technology to arrange their compositions. All ideas, perspectives, and cultural insights remain uniquely mine.

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The Mixed Messages We Send

In Japan, April marks the beginning of a new academic year – a time of fresh starts and renewed expectations. It's around this season that I find myself reflecting on the questions children ask, particularly those that make us adults stumble.

We tell our children:

• "You're wonderful just as you are"

• "You need to find where your strengths shine and work hard there"

To adult ears, these statements complement each other. But to a child, they can sound completely contradictory. "If I'm already fine the way I am, why do I need to change at all?"

When confronted with this question, many of us fumble. We've already given our explanation, but we can see our child hasn't accepted it. We don't want to force agreement or trigger anxiety. We're caught in our own paradox.

Why This Is So Difficult to Explain

Explaining things that seem obvious to us can be surprisingly challenging. We desperately want to avoid two scenarios:

• "This adult doesn't understand me."

• "My child doesn't understand me."

When we say, "You should work hard because you're in a privileged position," children might hear it as a command: "Obey because you're fortunate." When we say, "If you don't try hard, you'll lose in life's competition," we're potentially creating unnecessary anxiety.

The ideal is guiding children to their own understanding – not through manipulation or pressure, but through genuine connection. This is complicated because children are still developing their cognitive abilities, emotional vocabulary, and life experience.

Lessons From My Mother's Approach

When I was a child in 1980s Japan – reading Dragon Ball manga, building secret hideouts with friends, playing Nintendo, and frequenting the library – my mother employed several approaches that helped me navigate these contradictions.

She taught me to articulate my emotions and choose my words carefully. Rather than having me select books from unlimited options, she would bring home a curated selection from the library, then let me choose freely from those. This increased my chances of finding something interesting without overwhelming me.

As I approached adolescence, she asked me a simple question when I tested boundaries: "Who suffers if you become delinquent?" I answered, "Me." That single exchange was the end of that particular life lesson. She helped me develop my ability to simulate consequences.

Later, when I entered my rebellious phase, she challenged me with another question: "Is this truly your best rebellion, the one worth staking your entire life on?" This prompted me to think more deeply about my choices and motivations.

How to Resolve the Contradiction for Children

The truth is, accepting yourself as you are and finding environments where you can thrive through effort aren't contradictory at all. Here's how we can explain this to children:

1. Start with empathy: "You're right – that does sound contradictory! I can see why you'd be confused."

2. Share your experience: "When I was your age, adults told me 'You'll understand when you're older,' which was frustrating. But honestly, some questions don't have immediate answers, and that's okay."

3. Use metaphors: "A swan thrives by water but can't live underwater like a fish. A flying fish can briefly leap into the air, but can't soar high and long like a swan, even if they become friends. People also have natural environments where they flourish."

4. Explain effort meaningfully: "Effort doesn't mean forcing yourself to be something you're not. It means increasing your chances of success in areas that already align with who you are."

For example, on this Substack, I sometimes write about topics that might temporarily decrease engagement because I believe they provide long-term value to readers. Both immediate and enduring contributions matter. I consciously work to balance content that generates quick engagement with ideas that provide lasting benefit.

5. Remove pressure: "You don't need to understand everything right now. What's important is honoring your questions while taking small steps forward."

Walking Alongside Our Children

Perhaps most crucial is communicating: "Even if you don't fully understand yet, let's try what we can. If something feels wrong or you have questions, come talk to me. We'll figure it out together."

This approach helps children see that action without complete understanding isn't unreasonable. It positions us as partners in problem-solving rather than adversaries.

Each child is unique, with their own growth pattern. There may not be a universal approach that works for every child, but respecting their questions while providing appropriate support is our fundamental role as adults who were once children ourselves.

Children who notice these apparent contradictions may actually have a natural inclination toward deep thinking and recognizing essential truths. Though their constant "why" questions might exhaust us some days, remember we're witnessing the healthy branching of a young tree, extending both its limbs and roots.

Don't worry – understanding will come in time. Value their questions, walk with them on their growth journey, and consider what environments best suit both you and them. Instead of forcing change, look for alternative solutions that reduce stress for everyone.

When I was a child devouring Dragon Ball and The Chronicles of Narnia, listening repeatedly to Joe Hisaishi's soundtracks from Nausicaä and Castle in the Sky on my cassette player – I was appreciating these works in my own childlike way, even without full understanding.

Back then, we were still growing taller, the world seemed vast, and there was so much we didn't understand. If we can remember this, perhaps we can become adults who truly connect with children, recognizing that while times change, the journey of self-formation remains constant.

What apparent contradictions do you remember questioning as a child? I'd love to hear your stories in the comments below.

Warmly,

Trgr KarasuToragara

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About the Author

Amazon Author Page
https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0DL3S6CMB/about

note.com（In Japanese）
https://note.com/karasu_toragara

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More Writings on Medium
https://medium.com/@trgr.karasu.toragara


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